I need a break.....

Sorry folks, I have been too heart broken to update my blog like I should...and here's why: The second IUI failed and so did the third. I responded well to all the medications and hubby's 'samples' were also perfect. I guess it just wasn't meant to be..........

I fell into a wave of depression for a while and am now on the mend. I don't know what the future holds for us but I do know that for now I am going to focus on myself, my husband, and family/friends. I know I am not alone in the quest for motherhood, there are millions of women out there just like me aching on the inside. The part that hurts the most is that this fate doesn't just affect me, it hurts my husband as well. To look into his eyes everyday knowing that his dream of fatherhood isn't coming true....well, there are no words.

At this point we have the option to keep going with more IUI or go straight to IVF. Well I don't think it would be beneficial to do more IUI, but not saying never just not right now. As for IVF? Ha! The mere expense is more than any average person could afford. Not to mention what all those drugs do to your body in the long run. Adoption? That is another decision that has yet to be made at this point. And it's not nearly as easy as people might think. I mean it's not like you just go to the store and say "I want that one". The cost of that is also quite high, higher than IVF in fact! Plus we would be on the waiting list for a minimum of a couple years and our life would be invaded (as it should be) to see if we are fit to be parents. And we are not yet healed from our current situation, but hopefully we will be soon. So who knows what will happen in that regard.

So all of this brings me back to the title of my blog: I need a break. No more drugs, no dr visits, and no stressing. I simply can't handle it anymore right now. The plan is to get healthy and lose the weight I gained in the last few months, plus some! I just want to be happy and for now my quest is to find out how/what makes that happen. Maybe get back to writing as I feel more inspired now than I ever have. Being distracted is the best when going through painful times such as these. Also, I would like to get a little closer to GOD...I feel his spirit in me! I am certianly feeling much more thankful for the people and things I DO have than ever!

Thank you all for reading and shoot me some questions anytime you'd like.
~Laine

2nd time's a charm...?

Hello there folks! So I had my ultrasound last Saturday to see how my ovaries responded to the higher dose of Clomiphene and to my surprise the dr said I was ready for my HCG shot that night and I had my IUI about an hour ago! Can you believe how fast this cycle has gone? Today is only CD 12 so it's crazy to think that we are in the two week wait already! I literally had no time to stew and worry about a thing! I have been more relaxed and keeping myself occupied with music and friends. Thank goodness today is a holiday...perfect timing for the procedure, lots of rest!

I really do think we will have success this time around! My follicle was bigger earlier and I just know we had better timing! Please continue to pray for this little miracle, we really appreciate it! Bless you all!

~Laine

First IUI...Failed.

I know it's been a couple weeks since my last post so I figured I would drop by and get you all up to speed. I'm sure you can guess what happened since my title says it all! The whole procedure was perfect but I didn't end up pregnant. So the doc gave me a higher dosage of Clomiphene to take and I have to swallow 3 pills at one time.  He's hoping for more than one follicle this time to give us a higher chance of success. So I only have one dose left and then go in for my second ultrasound (of this cycle) to see if my body decided to kick into overdrive. So basically we are back to the drawing board....

I am feeling cynical and moody right now. The hormones are really affecting me this time. I had a moment at work where tears welled up and streamed down my face. I had to catch myself and just relax and breathe. Do I think it will work this round? Yes (I hope). Am I all excited like before? No. I guess I just don't want to put my whole heart into something that may lead to disappointment(again).

If anyone still reads this blog of mine, any words of encouragement will be gladly taken.
~Laine

IUI and days after...

So hubby had his 'donation appointment' on Monday at 8a.m. and then I was to go in at 10 a.m., after his little guys were washed and ready! The nurse said "Well we only needed 3 million and your husband gave us 34 million, tell him good job!" with a big smile on her face. :) She had me lay down with my feet in the stirrups (no I didn't get a meal first, lol) while she used a speculum to position my cervix....and 60 seconds and a couple pinches later I was all done! She used a long straw looking device to insert the sperm through my cervix and then set a timer for me to lay there for 15 minutes. I laid there, calmly, and played solitaire on my iPhone. I teased my hubby that we are going to have a solitaire baby! haha

After my 15 minutes were up she asked that I come in the next day to make sure that my follicle had burst aka: ovulated for sure. This shocked and worried me...I guess I figured that since I was given the HCG shot, that was it. They said it's a great way to determine that the dose I was given was enough in the event that this treatment fails. Eww I hate that word: FAIL. So I went in the next day, hesitantly, and had yet another ultrasound only to get great news! I now have what they call a Corpus Luteum cyst. That type of cyst forms when the mature egg pops out. It's like the leftover housing unit that tells my body there's a possibility of a future pregnancy. Go ahead and google the rest since I am no doctor, lol.

So since everything has been deemed 'Perfect' for my first cycle I was given some Progesterone suppositories to take to help support my lining for future baby. I insert one in the morning and one at night, they are pretty messy and I feel hormonal for sure. Just feeling kinda tired and yucky if that makes sense. (going to bed very soon in fact)

I'm now going to play the waiting game and hope that there is a baby in the making. <3 I will check in with some news in a few weeks. Those of you who are my friends both in life and on Facebook, I ask that you support me in not discussing this event anymore until I reveal the news. I would like to remain stress free and just enjoy life! Feel free to message on my blog and I will hopefully be checking regularly.

Thanks for all the support and prayers that you have given. Means the world to us!
Love,
Laine

Third Appointment...

Hello again! I had my 3rd appointment Saturday to see how my ovaries responded to the Clomiphene, and it went well! My sweet husband decided to take the day off to go with me :) It made me feel good that he wanted to participate and see the progress I had made.

The ultrasound showed that my right ovary had a 20 (mm?) dominant follicle...perfect! I have other follicles that aren't quite so large so I am assuming the dominant one could be my future baby! It's so nice to say that. Anyway, the doctor said 'good job' and gave me the HCG shot to take home. In case you don't know or I didn't mention, the shot releases the matured follicle(s) so it can begin the journey up through the tube(s)! Well, I gave that task to my husband because there is no way I was giving myself a shot in the butt! It had to be done 36 hours before the IUI, which is on Monday! Yes Monday meaning tomorrow! He goes in a couple hours before me so they can wash the sperm. I decided to take the day off for a few different reasons but mostly because it's my first time so I don't know what to expect. I am guessing they will have me wait 2 weeks before taking a pregnancy test. Maybe I am jumping ahead of myself a little bit...lol.

I will check in after the IUI and then probably take a break from my blog for a few weeks to rest and have a tiny bit of privacy.

Till next time!
~Laine

P.S. I've recently become a renewed fan of Jordan Knight (from New Kids on the Block)! Um can we say delicious and what a voice (sigh)! I recommend his new album 'Unfinshed' that was released this past spring. You won't be sorry!

Second Appointment this morning!

First off, thanks to all of you that really do read my blog! I am so thankful for good friends near and far that really care and are hopefully praying for this IUI to work! I love you all!!!

The drug I took did have some minor side effects, but nothing this gal can't handle! I was mostly moody. And when I say moody I mean one second everything was just peachy and the next I was shouting or crying. Literally a minute after said outbursts I felt like an ass...haha acting like a toddler when I didn't get my way! Just yesterday (CD10) I felt both of my ovaries burning. Not a terrible pain and I didn't have to take anything for it, but definitely noticeable (still feeling it a little now). I'm actually happy this happened because it proves my next point.....

This morning was my second appointment at Dr. Awesome's clinic. Although, unfortunately, I didn't get to see my doctor but it was a simple appointment anyway. The lady did my ultrasound to see how the Clomiphene worked...and boy did it! My right ovary had one dominate follicle (there were others not quite so big) that measured at a '14' and my left ovary had 2 one at '13' and one just a little smaller than that. So she said I could potentially end up with 2-3 eggs after my HCG shot! My next appointment is this Saturday at 9:30 am to make sure the follicles matured and give me instructions for my shot to release the eggs! So basically we are looking at the IUI to be Monday the 12th, one day before my husbands 31st birthday.

Since I have been so mushy lately, after my appointment this morning I sat in my car at work and just cried! Cried those happy tears that I have so longed for after all these long long long 9 years of waiting! I have faith that this will work for us and I feel closer to my husband than ever. I realized this morning that we have been through hell and back so many times in the 12 years we have been together that I can't possibly imagine ever living without him. I can't wait to see him later and talk more about the process, hug and kiss him :)

God bless you all,
Laine

It's time!!! Can you believe it??

I made the call to my doctor's office on Monday morning saying it was my first full cycle day. They decided I needed to come in Wednesday for my 1st appointment! It was my CD 3 so they did an ultrasound, which looked great, and prescribed my Clomid (Clomiphene). I started with my first dose yesterday and have the next 4 days to go! I have another appointment one week from today to see how I respond to the medication and then will take a shot to release the follicles that matured. We go from there and do the IUI! Exciting!

Not much to report at this time, but I figured I would at least check in! I hope people are still following my blog and feel free to share this with your friends! I would love to read and reply to comments also...hint hint :)

Cheers,
Laine