I need a break.....

Sorry folks, I have been too heart broken to update my blog like I should...and here's why: The second IUI failed and so did the third. I responded well to all the medications and hubby's 'samples' were also perfect. I guess it just wasn't meant to be..........

I fell into a wave of depression for a while and am now on the mend. I don't know what the future holds for us but I do know that for now I am going to focus on myself, my husband, and family/friends. I know I am not alone in the quest for motherhood, there are millions of women out there just like me aching on the inside. The part that hurts the most is that this fate doesn't just affect me, it hurts my husband as well. To look into his eyes everyday knowing that his dream of fatherhood isn't coming true....well, there are no words.

At this point we have the option to keep going with more IUI or go straight to IVF. Well I don't think it would be beneficial to do more IUI, but not saying never just not right now. As for IVF? Ha! The mere expense is more than any average person could afford. Not to mention what all those drugs do to your body in the long run. Adoption? That is another decision that has yet to be made at this point. And it's not nearly as easy as people might think. I mean it's not like you just go to the store and say "I want that one". The cost of that is also quite high, higher than IVF in fact! Plus we would be on the waiting list for a minimum of a couple years and our life would be invaded (as it should be) to see if we are fit to be parents. And we are not yet healed from our current situation, but hopefully we will be soon. So who knows what will happen in that regard.

So all of this brings me back to the title of my blog: I need a break. No more drugs, no dr visits, and no stressing. I simply can't handle it anymore right now. The plan is to get healthy and lose the weight I gained in the last few months, plus some! I just want to be happy and for now my quest is to find out how/what makes that happen. Maybe get back to writing as I feel more inspired now than I ever have. Being distracted is the best when going through painful times such as these. Also, I would like to get a little closer to GOD...I feel his spirit in me! I am certianly feeling much more thankful for the people and things I DO have than ever!

Thank you all for reading and shoot me some questions anytime you'd like.
~Laine

2nd time's a charm...?

Hello there folks! So I had my ultrasound last Saturday to see how my ovaries responded to the higher dose of Clomiphene and to my surprise the dr said I was ready for my HCG shot that night and I had my IUI about an hour ago! Can you believe how fast this cycle has gone? Today is only CD 12 so it's crazy to think that we are in the two week wait already! I literally had no time to stew and worry about a thing! I have been more relaxed and keeping myself occupied with music and friends. Thank goodness today is a holiday...perfect timing for the procedure, lots of rest!

I really do think we will have success this time around! My follicle was bigger earlier and I just know we had better timing! Please continue to pray for this little miracle, we really appreciate it! Bless you all!

~Laine

First IUI...Failed.

I know it's been a couple weeks since my last post so I figured I would drop by and get you all up to speed. I'm sure you can guess what happened since my title says it all! The whole procedure was perfect but I didn't end up pregnant. So the doc gave me a higher dosage of Clomiphene to take and I have to swallow 3 pills at one time.  He's hoping for more than one follicle this time to give us a higher chance of success. So I only have one dose left and then go in for my second ultrasound (of this cycle) to see if my body decided to kick into overdrive. So basically we are back to the drawing board....

I am feeling cynical and moody right now. The hormones are really affecting me this time. I had a moment at work where tears welled up and streamed down my face. I had to catch myself and just relax and breathe. Do I think it will work this round? Yes (I hope). Am I all excited like before? No. I guess I just don't want to put my whole heart into something that may lead to disappointment(again).

If anyone still reads this blog of mine, any words of encouragement will be gladly taken.
~Laine

IUI and days after...

So hubby had his 'donation appointment' on Monday at 8a.m. and then I was to go in at 10 a.m., after his little guys were washed and ready! The nurse said "Well we only needed 3 million and your husband gave us 34 million, tell him good job!" with a big smile on her face. :) She had me lay down with my feet in the stirrups (no I didn't get a meal first, lol) while she used a speculum to position my cervix....and 60 seconds and a couple pinches later I was all done! She used a long straw looking device to insert the sperm through my cervix and then set a timer for me to lay there for 15 minutes. I laid there, calmly, and played solitaire on my iPhone. I teased my hubby that we are going to have a solitaire baby! haha

After my 15 minutes were up she asked that I come in the next day to make sure that my follicle had burst aka: ovulated for sure. This shocked and worried me...I guess I figured that since I was given the HCG shot, that was it. They said it's a great way to determine that the dose I was given was enough in the event that this treatment fails. Eww I hate that word: FAIL. So I went in the next day, hesitantly, and had yet another ultrasound only to get great news! I now have what they call a Corpus Luteum cyst. That type of cyst forms when the mature egg pops out. It's like the leftover housing unit that tells my body there's a possibility of a future pregnancy. Go ahead and google the rest since I am no doctor, lol.

So since everything has been deemed 'Perfect' for my first cycle I was given some Progesterone suppositories to take to help support my lining for future baby. I insert one in the morning and one at night, they are pretty messy and I feel hormonal for sure. Just feeling kinda tired and yucky if that makes sense. (going to bed very soon in fact)

I'm now going to play the waiting game and hope that there is a baby in the making. <3 I will check in with some news in a few weeks. Those of you who are my friends both in life and on Facebook, I ask that you support me in not discussing this event anymore until I reveal the news. I would like to remain stress free and just enjoy life! Feel free to message on my blog and I will hopefully be checking regularly.

Thanks for all the support and prayers that you have given. Means the world to us!
Love,
Laine

Third Appointment...

Hello again! I had my 3rd appointment Saturday to see how my ovaries responded to the Clomiphene, and it went well! My sweet husband decided to take the day off to go with me :) It made me feel good that he wanted to participate and see the progress I had made.

The ultrasound showed that my right ovary had a 20 (mm?) dominant follicle...perfect! I have other follicles that aren't quite so large so I am assuming the dominant one could be my future baby! It's so nice to say that. Anyway, the doctor said 'good job' and gave me the HCG shot to take home. In case you don't know or I didn't mention, the shot releases the matured follicle(s) so it can begin the journey up through the tube(s)! Well, I gave that task to my husband because there is no way I was giving myself a shot in the butt! It had to be done 36 hours before the IUI, which is on Monday! Yes Monday meaning tomorrow! He goes in a couple hours before me so they can wash the sperm. I decided to take the day off for a few different reasons but mostly because it's my first time so I don't know what to expect. I am guessing they will have me wait 2 weeks before taking a pregnancy test. Maybe I am jumping ahead of myself a little bit...lol.

I will check in after the IUI and then probably take a break from my blog for a few weeks to rest and have a tiny bit of privacy.

Till next time!
~Laine

P.S. I've recently become a renewed fan of Jordan Knight (from New Kids on the Block)! Um can we say delicious and what a voice (sigh)! I recommend his new album 'Unfinshed' that was released this past spring. You won't be sorry!

Second Appointment this morning!

First off, thanks to all of you that really do read my blog! I am so thankful for good friends near and far that really care and are hopefully praying for this IUI to work! I love you all!!!

The drug I took did have some minor side effects, but nothing this gal can't handle! I was mostly moody. And when I say moody I mean one second everything was just peachy and the next I was shouting or crying. Literally a minute after said outbursts I felt like an ass...haha acting like a toddler when I didn't get my way! Just yesterday (CD10) I felt both of my ovaries burning. Not a terrible pain and I didn't have to take anything for it, but definitely noticeable (still feeling it a little now). I'm actually happy this happened because it proves my next point.....

This morning was my second appointment at Dr. Awesome's clinic. Although, unfortunately, I didn't get to see my doctor but it was a simple appointment anyway. The lady did my ultrasound to see how the Clomiphene worked...and boy did it! My right ovary had one dominate follicle (there were others not quite so big) that measured at a '14' and my left ovary had 2 one at '13' and one just a little smaller than that. So she said I could potentially end up with 2-3 eggs after my HCG shot! My next appointment is this Saturday at 9:30 am to make sure the follicles matured and give me instructions for my shot to release the eggs! So basically we are looking at the IUI to be Monday the 12th, one day before my husbands 31st birthday.

Since I have been so mushy lately, after my appointment this morning I sat in my car at work and just cried! Cried those happy tears that I have so longed for after all these long long long 9 years of waiting! I have faith that this will work for us and I feel closer to my husband than ever. I realized this morning that we have been through hell and back so many times in the 12 years we have been together that I can't possibly imagine ever living without him. I can't wait to see him later and talk more about the process, hug and kiss him :)

God bless you all,
Laine

It's time!!! Can you believe it??

I made the call to my doctor's office on Monday morning saying it was my first full cycle day. They decided I needed to come in Wednesday for my 1st appointment! It was my CD 3 so they did an ultrasound, which looked great, and prescribed my Clomid (Clomiphene). I started with my first dose yesterday and have the next 4 days to go! I have another appointment one week from today to see how I respond to the medication and then will take a shot to release the follicles that matured. We go from there and do the IUI! Exciting!

Not much to report at this time, but I figured I would at least check in! I hope people are still following my blog and feel free to share this with your friends! I would love to read and reply to comments also...hint hint :)

Cheers,
Laine

Hello mother nature...TMI alert!

Hello all, it's been a couple weeks since my last post. My best friend got married yesterday, all the while I was politely asking mother nature (my period) to hold off for just one more day! I made sure to take ibuprofen like clock work so that the terrible cramps would remain at bay during my bestie's special day. As soon as I got home though, a little gush of pink appeared! Talk about a close call....

I woke up this morning remembering that on Monday I will have to make the call into the Dr's office for my prescription of Clomid. I can't quite remember what exact day I am supposed to start taking it, but soon enough! I am quite nervous about how it will make me feel since I am so sensitive to medications. I typically have the majority of side effects that are listed on the little print off. Fun times. Also, my boss is aware of me doing this but I am still hoping I don't miss too much work for appointments and such. I will most definitely take the day off that I have the IUI. I realize it's not necessary, but since it's my first time I will just go home and lay to to relax for a few hours, just in case!

I feel like I am getting ahead of myself right now, so I will check back in after I start the drug. :)

Till next time.
~Laine

Things are lookin' up!

Well in the last week since my previous post things have gotten better! I took the advice of my mom and started writing in a diary almost everyday. Also, since I had my little meltdown, I have the urge to write to again! Some of you may not know that I'm a writer, by hobby of course. I have several fictional stories started and feel inspired to add to one of them. I am hoping to finish at least one by the end of this year.

I have also been meditating when I feel stressed. This is something everyone should do in my opinion. It's easy to do! I simply go to my bedroom, lay down, and empty my mind while focusing on steady breathing. An overwhelming sense of calm passes through me and I feel refreshed immediately!

In about 2 weeks we will be starting the IUI process...where has the time gone? As soon as my best friend gets married I will be starting Clomid or Clomiphene (generic). I read that it can cause some side effects such as: mood swings, hot flashes, breast tenderness...etc. So since I will be working, that should be fun! LOL. I will have to go into the doctor's office for ultrasound monitoring a couple times throughout the process to keep an eye on my ovaries. I am crossing my fingers that everything goes ok and that they don't get over stimulated! At some point after I am done with the drug I will need a HCG shot, but I don't exactly know all the detail yet.

I hope to write again in another week but if I don't... SORRY! Life is going to be pretty busy with pre-wedding stuff etc. If anyone has any questions or comments please shoot!

As always,
~Laine

Meltdown...

I am writing this while it's fresh in my mind, so bear with me...

Around mid-afternoon I noticed that I was experiencing chest pain and a headache.  I also noticed that my heart was racing as if I had been running a marathon. I simply ignored the pains (thinking it was the energy drink I had at 8 am) and enjoyed the evening with my family as much as possible. Then while walking through the mall I noticed I was feeling faint and the pain was getting worse, so I sat down for a bit to rest. This really isn't like me at all. I knew exactly what the problem was: ANXIETY.

The meltdown began shortly after I got home. Stress at work, anxiety about the upcoming treatments, day-to-day life, my emotions, and family stuff just sent me over the edge. I don't really talk about all that's bothering me because who wants to be a downer? We all have problems, right? But I always have to be the best, the strongest, most in control person all the time. The girl you can count on. Lately I feel like things have been out of my control and I simply can't do all the things I'd like to. Maybe I need a clone or two of me? ~ I wish!

So I started crying really hard and freaking out, cracking under the pressure! My wonderful husband didn't know what to do so he got my mom on the phone to calm me down. About an hour and a half later I am on here writing it all down. She (and Jay) told me that I need some sort of outlet for all this since I can't constantly talk to someone about all my feelings. My mom suggested a diary, so I will be purchasing one tomorrow! She also suggested that I meditate and do more for myself. Sounds good to me. It's so hard to be selfish for me and I am hoping that will make me an even better mom one day.

Call me crazy or simply human. Why did I share this on here? Because I want to share all aspects of what I am going through. The good, bad, and the ugly.

The count down begins to our IUI and I will begin taking Clomid at the end of this month! The time has really flown, and I am getting nervous. My goal for the next few weeks: RELAX, MEDITATE, WRITE, and BREATHE!

A BIG SHOUT OUT goes to my mom! I seriously don't know what I would do without her words of encouragement, her strength, witty sense of humor, and most of all LOVE. I love you mom, more than you can ever imagine. Thank you for everything!

Hoping for a much more positive blog post next time,
~Laine

Been thinking A LOT lately....

Hey there everyone that actually reads this blog of mine! I am happy to say that my blog has been shared on Facebook by some of my friends. For that, I thank you :)

The real deal....
Do you ever feel like your mind just won't quit??? It seems like the closer we get to the treatment date, the more my mind races about any and everything. I think about money (we all do), how lonely I feel now, will I have any time to myself when we have a baby, will Jay help me enough, will we be good parents, will I be a different person after baby....and so on and on and on. I have to stop and mentally scream at myself: SHUT UP! And BREATHE....

So I looked at the calendar today and realized we are one full cycle away from starting our IUI. How do I feel about that? Anxious, excited, & scared are the 3 words that perfectly describe my emotions right now. I think that's pretty normal, don't you?

In closing....
If any of you have questions or advice for me...shoot! I appreciate any and all feedback from my friends out there. :)

~Chow for now
Laine

A great day!

Just a quick post: I went to an indoor waterpark called CoCo Key today! It was so much fun! My cousins were vacationing and invited me to partake for the day. There were 3 kids and 1 baby boy to play with, we had a blast! As the baby napped soundly on my chest, I thought to myself "In about a year from now I could be holding my own baby". I kissed his sweet chubby cheek, stroked his fine golden locks and smiled to myself :)

It's nice to dream about the future....

Cheers,
Laine

Welcome to my Blog!

Hello there! I am Laine, 31 years old and have a lust for life! I also have a lust for giving life....some day. So did that sound cheesy or what?! Haha. This is my very first Blog post and I am unsure how to go about it.

My goal for this Blog: To create an outlet for my upcoming experience(s) with fertility treatment(s). This will be an online diary of sorts for anyone out there with the same issues I have or for those that simply want to be more educated on the subject. INFERTILITY. Scary word isn't it? When I speak up about my issues people have the normal "oh you poor thing" look on their face. But the reality of it is, I am not alone! From all the research I have done the past several years it seems that 10% of couples out there have some sort of problem with getting pregnant. We have decided to try IUI treatments this fall and really hope it works the first time! I feel confident that we can do this, that we WILL be parents someday soon.

A little history.....
My husband (we will call him 'Jay' to observe his privacy) and I met at the young age of 18. We got married in 2001, 2 years later and decided a year after that to try getting pregnant. Fast forward to 2006....I was having lots of pain on one side of my pelvic area with my menses not to mention the fact I was popping Advil like it was candy. Finally I was able to convince my doctor to send me off to an RE for a check up. This 'RE', as he liked to call himself, was very unemotional; dry if you will. After he did my Lap surgery he claimed that he cleaned me up as best as he could but my only options were: 1) BC pills 2) Hysterectomy (I was only 26!) OR 3)IVF ($10,000 per treatment). So needless to say I was devastated and cried in his office while he stared at me blankly.
Fast forward another year later 2007...I still had the pain in fact it was worse and I was so depressed all the time. I decided to make an appointment and have my awesome mother go along with me for support. We asked him a slew of Q's with little answers except the major one I didn't want to hear "Well you do have Stage 4 endometriosis, so without IVF you most likely won't get pregnant". We were so upset and not to mention a little angry that he failed to tell me my stage of Endo right after my first surgery.
Fast forward to 2010...I was referred to a different doctor that was considered "the best in his field" by not only a friend that ended up getting pregnant but by another person I trust. When I met Dr. Awesome (that's what we will call him) I just knew he could help me. At that point I was tired of the pain and disappointment month after month. He scheduled me for another Lap and let me tell you...I felt amazing shortly after. And still to this day :) I had a HSG (tubes clear, yay!), LAP, and D&C. He cleaned me all up and even let me see the video! I was then downgraded to Stage 3 endo...I was pretty happy.
Fast forward to April 2011...I had my annual coming up and was lucky enough to be 'grandfathered in' as Dr. Awesome's patient. He did an internal ultrasound and boy did he have a shocked but happy look on his face. He said everything looked like it healed nicely from the previous year's surgery and no new growths on my ovaries were found. He also scolded me for not having fertility treatments right after my surgery as that is the highest success. What I couldn't tell him was that we simply couldn't afford the cost. I asked the nurse to write out how much an IUI (we were actually approved for the beginning stage of treatment! good news) would cost and what all is involved. I found out that each month's treatment would cost approx $500-$800. Not bad, but also very hard for us to come up with.
Fast forward to today....My hubby and I have managed to save up just enough money to try one treatment! I know that's not very realistic; thinking that it will work the very first time; but I have a hunch! I know my body and Jay has had his fertility work up. We. Are. Ready.

Will you follow this journey with us?

Cheers,
Laine